Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Is there time in Heaven?

Well, it's Christmas time again.  I've once again waited until the last minute to do my shopping.  I really haven't felt the Christmas spirit this year, probably because I've been inside snuggling my little man every day!!  The other morning I woke up to feed Mason around 3a.m. and then couldn't fall back asleep.  I had sooo many things going through my mind.  I was trying to remember who I had to buy gifts for yet, how much laundry I needed to do, how I was going to find time to wrap presents, etc.  Then, of course, I started thinking about angels because Christmas reminds me of angels.  Then, in turn, angels remind me of my sweet little Benjamin and the questions started running through my mind.

It's amazing how one life event can make you start to question your faith and your image of Heaven.  So, as the title of my post states- Is there time in Heaven?  What happens when you go to Heaven?  Do you age in Heaven?  I guess these questions all relate back to Benjamin.  As I watch Mason grow each day, my image of Ben is that he's still a baby.  It's hard to imagine him growing up in Heaven, not knowing what he'd look like.  The book I received from the hospital when Benjamin died was titled "Mommy, Please Don't Cry". The book talks about how much fun they have in Heaven, about how they run and play, and how they have the best cake.  It talks about all these wonderful things that happen in Heaven.  It's a happy, but sad story and brings me to tears every time I read it.

After reading the book, it makes me wonder what Benjamin will be like when we go to Heaven.  Is he growing strong with all the other angels or does he remain a sweet little baby? That then makes me question about older people who go to Heaven.  If your 100 when you die, do you keep aging in Heaven?  How old can one person get.... or is there no time in Heaven, no aging?  The questions just keep going and going! 

I felt like I should blog about this, because I know some of my other loss friends can relate.  Also, other family and friends can probably relate to someone they have lost.  All the questions will go unanswered until it is our time. 

So as Christmas arrives, be sure to think of all your angels.  Be thankful for who you still have with you today and don't take things for granted.  Share special moments with those you love, and be sure to add an angel to your Christmas tree in memory of those we've lost.

OK, I better go before the tears start rolling!  I've got a lot of Christmas shopping yet to do tonight!

and.... to leave on a happy note-- Mason met Santa for the first time!!!

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Our First Outing

Mason had is first outing on November 17th, 2010.  This outing was for his one week checkup at the doctor's office. We got him all bundled up and headed out.  He enjoyed the car ride.  This first doctor's appointment was just to check his weight.  Once we got into the exam room we had to strip him down to get him weighed.  His one week weight was 7lbs 13oz, a little under birth weight. 

After we got done at the doctor's office, we headed to Target to do some quick shopping.  Mason slept through that trip.  Once we got home he zonked out for a few hours.  We have our two week checkup this week on November 24th.  I'm hoping all goes well.  He's been eating like his dad, so he should have gained some more weight this week! If not, I guess we'll have to fill him up on turkey and stuffing at Thanksgiving!!

Mason has been such a great baby.  The last two nights he's only gotten up twice during the night.  We're starting to figure out a routine with the feeding and diaper changes.  Last night, we went and got newborn/family photos done!  I can't wait to get them back, they turned out pretty good.  Mason was great the entire time.  He stayed awake for all the photos and then fell asleep as we were picking out the ones we wanted.  He never cried the entire two hours we were there-- not even a little fuss....

We couldn't have asked for a better baby! He has been AMAZING.... and such a blessing!

Now- bring on the holidays!!!

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Baby Mason

Well, as many of you know, Mason made his arrival into our arms on November 10th, 2010.  I don't even know where to begin explaining things!  I guess I'll just start with the beginning of the day. 

Jason and I arrived at the hospital at 7:30a.m. Wednesday morning to start the induction process.  It was a very nice day.  The weather outside was amazing for being November.  It was almost 60 degrees and Jason and I walked into the hospital without our coats on.  We stopped at registration to get registered and then headed up to the Birth Center.  I wasn't as nervous as I thought I was going to be, which was good.  Usually my nerves don't agree with me!

When we arrived to the birth center, we were greeted by the great OB staff and Dr. O'Connor.  We headed down the hallway to our room #404, but had to stop at the scale first!  That was not very pretty, but it could have been worse.  Once we got into the room I got changed into my gown and got into the bed.  Dr. O'Connor came in and checked me to see if I had made any progress since the prior week.  There had been no progress.  They started the induction by breaking my water and administered Pitocin through my IV. 

I knew it was going to be a long day.  Inductions usually take at least 12 hours to take effect unless you are progressed quite a bit.  So for the rest of the day it was just waiting.  For the first hour or so I had to lay in bed and be monitored to make sure everything was going okay with the Pitocin.  After awhile, I got up and went roaming the hallways to try and speed things up.  Jason and I watched a few movies while we waited.  I don't remember much of the movies, because we were getting interrupted by nurses and the doctor to be checked.  The movies did help pass time though. 

About noon, Dr. O'Connor came back to check me.  I had made quite a bit of progress and they were thinking I would deliver soon.  The contractions started getting stronger and more intense.  I tried to hold out as long as possible to get my epidural, because I know that epidurals can slow labor down.  Jason said I looked like I was in a lot of pain and kept asking me if I was SURE I didn't want the epidural yet.  I tried to explain to him that the epidural would probably slow things down, but I think he was still concerned that I was in a lot of pain.  I held out for a few hours before getting the epidural.  At 2:00p.m., I asked for the epidural. To my luck, the anesthesiologist got called away to the ER right before I asked for the epidural.  I had to wait about a half hour before she showed up.  It was totally worth the wait though!  I felt much better afterwards and was able to get some rest.

Dr. O'Connor came back to check on me around 4:30 and I still hadn't made much progress.  I was starting to get worried that this was going to take a long time and I was hoping little Mason wouldn't go into distress.  Jason and I did some more waiting.  Watched some more movies and took a nap.  At 6:00p.m., Dr. O'Connor came back to check me.  The next thing I hear was "you're complete, let's have a baby"!  Jason and I were both in shock because we were not expecting it.

Jason seemed quite nervous, but I'm not sure if he was.  He pushed his sleeves up and got ready to help assist with delivery.  The epidural was still quite strong and I was not able to feel much of my contractions, but could feel them enough to let the doctor know when I was having one.  We started pushing with each contraction.  Dr. O'Connor said it was going to be a quick delivery.  After three contractions, little Mason made his appearance at 6:17p.m.!!  He was pretty quiet when he came out, which kind of worried me.  Then, finally he gave out a little cry.  He wasn't too noisy.  I was a little surprised that I actually cried.  It seemed so unreal that he was here.  We had waited so long to have a little one in our arms and now he was finally here.  I can't even begin to explain how I felt knowing he was okay.

The doctor handed him off to the nurses to get him checked over and cleaned up. Everything checked out good, except his body temperature.  It was low for some reason, so they kept him under the lamp and wrapped him up in a few blankets.  We weren't able to hold him until his temperature was back up to normal.  He was soo perfect!  Right after delivery they asked how much I thought he weighed- I said 8lbs 4 oz... and then they told me he weighed 8lbs 3.75oz!!  He was a good sized baby, but just perfect.

My labor and delivery went very smooth and I couldn't have asked for anything better.  I am thankful that everyone respected our wishes of no visitors before Mason's arrival.  It made the labor process so much easier.  I was able to relax and get through it all.  After Mason was born, we had a few visitors.  Jason's mom and my parents came up to meet Mason.  It was about 8:00p.m. when we could have visitors, so they didn't stay long.  Jason and I needed to prepare for the night ahead of us!

Mason was such a good baby.  He rarely cried. He was so content with everything.  The first night he was up every so often to feed, but wasn't getting the hang of nursing.  A nurse came in to help assist.  It was quite frustrating, but I was prepared for this to happen.  We made it through the night with no problems.  The second day we had some more visitors.  Jason's dad from St. Louis surprised us by coming up to meet Mason.  We just relaxed most of the day.  The second night was AMAZING.  Mason only woke up once during the night! I called the nurse in after awhile, just to make sure I shouldn't be waking him up to feed him.

Friday morning we got ready to head home.  The doctor came in to check me and make sure things were going well.  He told us we were able to leave whenever we wanted.  Jason was ready to go ASAP.  I showered and started getting things packed up.  The nurse came in and did some explaining to us and then we were free to go.  It was freezing outside when we left the hospital.  Definitely was not as nice as when we arrived. 

After arriving at home I realized that we didn't get any pictures of the three of us at the hosptial.  This kind of upsets me that we don't have those memories in a picture.  I think it was because I was still in shock/denial that he was actually here.  I have been pregnant for almost 2 years straight and hadn't had a baby yet, so when it actually happened I still didn't believe it.  I don't have any pictures of Mason and myself together.  We will probably go get his newborn pictures taken sometime soon. 

Everything still seems so unreal.  It has taken me awhile to realize that yes, there is another human being in our house.  Things won't be the same again.  No more "quick trips" to the store.  It is so amazing.  I could go on and on about Mason.  He is such a good baby.  Sleeps and eats pretty much like clockwork.

Well, I have much more to say- but I better break up some of this blog otherwise it might turn into a book.  I'll keep updating about Mason.  Tomorrow we go to the doctor for his one week check-up! Time is going to go by soo fast!!!

Monday, November 8, 2010

Our Wishes

As many of you know, I will be induced on Wednesday, November 10th.  We are scheduled to start the induction process at 7:30a.m.  This will be a very exciting day, yet a very scary day.  Inductions can take a long time and can also result in emergency c-section if they don't go as planned.  We were lucky with our induction last year and everything went well. 

Last year, we allowed visitors before Ben's birth.  We were grateful to have visitors who cared about us and that were concerned for us.  Having to deliver a stillborn child is not something anybody wants to do.  This year, Jason and I are asking for something a little different.  We are asking to not have any visitors before Mason is born.  We want the laboring process to be something between the two of us.  It is especially difficult for me to have others in the labor room with me and I'm asking for everyone to please respect the wish of privacy. 

We will keep family and friends updated with what is going on.  We ask that we do not receive a lot of phone calls and texts.  If something is happening, WE will let you know.  I want to be able to relax through this process, and receiving non-stop phone calls can be very distracting

After our loss last year, I have connected with other loss parents online.  We discuss our birth stories a lot and have given each other support throughout the year.  One thing I have learned is that you are never safe.  Something CAN happen during delivery- and just because you're so close, does not mean you'll have a healthy child in your arms at the end of everything.  For this reason, I am being very cautious with my emotions.

Many of you may think I'm being stubborn by not answering my phone when you call or not answering your text message.  Please respect the fact that this is still very hard for me, even though we are so close.  As I stated before- WE will let you know if something is happening.  We are not trying to hide anything from anyone, but just ask for the respect of privacy for our family. 

We are very thankful that we have family and friends that care and are concerned about us.  Please continue to think about us and support us, but also respect our wishes. 

AND...... the countdown has begun!!! 

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

The Kitchen

Thought I'd just share some of our kitchen photos- now that it's more functionable... still need a few things though.

I'm still in search of a new kitchen table!  It finally feels nice to have a kitchen to not be ashamed of...

I'd say our house is "baby ready" now... and I am also "baby ready" now!!! I can't wait for little Mason's arrival.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

We're gettin' there...

I had plans this weekend to get our house almost ready for the arrival of Mason.  I was a little worried this wasn't going to get done after not sleeping between 2:30 and 5 this morning.  I was wide awake. Felt fine, just couldn't sleep.  I was a little thirsty so I ended up going downstairs to get a glass of water.  To my luck, I opened the cupboard door and BAM.... a glass canning jar fell out of no where and hit me smack in the forehead.  I was trying very hard not to use every curse word in the book!  After I realized what happened and got over it, I filled my glass and headed back to bed- only to lay there some more.

I finally got out of bed around 8, after tossing and turning a few times. Jason was already awake and downstairs.  He had made plans to go to the shooting range with one of his friends.  He left a little before 9 and then I decided I better get a start on something or NOTHING was going to happen. I started out by making me some breakfast.  I was starving all night.  After a few pieces of french toast, I headed to the computer room to start cleaning.  I slowly made my way to each room. Dusting, vacuuming, organizing, etc.  

I broke down and decided to start scrubbing all the baseboards in the living room.  They were quite nasty and I knew if I waited for someone else to do it, it wouldn't get done.  I got down on my hands and knees and worked my way around the room.  I figured while I was down there, I might as well hand scrub all the floors.  So the floor got a nice scrubbing today.  We also moved around our furniture for the winter season.  We always have to move furniture before winter so that it's not too close to our wood burning stove.   I also got Jason to put together a lamp/stand we got for our wedding shower. 

I think I under estimated the disaster in the bathroom. I broke down and scrubbed the tub.  That was probably the worst room to clean, even though it's the smallest one! After getting the tub and surround all sprayed down, I started to scrub.  It was not easy! I forgot how big my belly was and that leaning over the edge of the tub was not going to be easy.  After a few breaks, I finally got it scrubbed down the best  I could.  If anything, it looks better than it did. 

Jason finished working on a few things in the kitchen, cleaned off the deck, and cleaned out the garage.  I can finally park my car in there again! We were going to go to church tonight, but decided to stay home and get some things done. 

We got a lot accomplished today and I'm sure I'll be feeling it tomorrow.  My feet are already killing me!  I'm sure tomorrow every bone in my body will be hurting.  I decided to call it quits for the night and relax.  I just threw a pan of lasagna in the oven and I just might put a movie in...

It feels good to have our house almost ready for Mason! I can't wait for his arrival, but I'm hoping he stays in there until at least November!! 

Sunday, October 17, 2010

The Weekend

It's been a very long weekend! Jason started the weekend on Friday by installing our new kitchen floor.  It took them quite a few hours, but it's all put it.  It turned out pretty nice and I'm glad to finally have a kitchen floor that I'm not ashamed of.
We're still working on putting baseboards back up, but the floor is IN!

I worked 9-5:30 on Friday, so this is the floor I got to come home to.  By the time I got home, I didn't feel like doing anything.  Jason's mom stopped over to see the new floor also. 

Friday was a special day for Jason and I, as October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.  Every year we light a candle at 7:00p.m. in memory of Benjamin.  This year we lit the candle that we got for a Christmas gift last year.

Friday night was a long night.  I couldn't sleep and then eventually woke up at 2:00a.m. not feeling well.  I spent the next 3 hours awake.  Every time I went to lay down, I just felt even more sick.  I eventually had to prop myself up with about 10 pillows before I could fall back asleep. 

I eventually got up out of bed around 9:00a.m. on Saturday.  I sat on the couch for a little bit and then got a rush of motivation.  I went out into the garage and starting cleaning up some of the mess from the day before.  I then started painting all the baseboards for the kitchen so that we could get them back on before the weekend was over.  I still was not feeling the greatest all day Saturday.  Jason had to DJ a wedding Saturday night so once he left I cleaned up the new floor a bit and then decided to take a shower and rest for the rest of the night.

Jason didn't get home until about 1:30a.m. Sunday morning from DJ'ing, but he still managed to get up in time to go to church with me.  Today, we were announced at the church as new members of the congregation.  It just so happened that today's sermon was about pregnancy.  It was quite interesting, even though I kept getting distracted by the cute little blonde girl sitting in front of us.  It was quite a noisy day at church with all the little kids there.

After church, we came home and Jason starting moving some things back into the kitchen. He got the fridge, stove, and dishwasher all put back.  The stove has been a nightmare putting back in.  Everytime Jason would get it hooked up and turned the gas back on we could smell it leaking from somewhere.  Jason went and got a new hose for it, but that didn't solve anything.  Later on he discovered that a different piece was cracked and who knows how long it's been like that.  Kind of scary!  So he's on his 3rd trip to Menards for a new piece. 

I'm beginning to get very frustrated with everything.  I think pregnancy has finally kicked in.  I have been too exhausted to get much done lately and I'm getting upset that our house still is not done.  I feel like once we get one thing done, there are 10 other things that still need done.  I'm down to the point where I think we're going to have to hire someone to come in and finish.  All this painting is getting too hard for me.  Getting up and down on the ladder a million times and bending over to reach the paint can is taking it's toll on me.  I'm trying not to work myself too hard, because our little man needs to stay in for a few more weeks.  Also, knowing that I work 9-5:30 all this week, there won't be much of anything getting done around here. 

Not much else is new. I haven't got anything accomplished today. Jason, on the other hand, has been working all day getting stuff put back.  Now,  if 10 other people would just come over and finish everything else- we'd be good to go- BUT I don't forsee that happening anytime soon!

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Productive Day?

Today turned out to be a somewhat productive day.  After working til 11p.m. Saturday night, I still managed to make it out of bed by 8:30 this morning.  I took my shower and read the Sunday paper and then Jason and I decided to not attend church today.  I wasn't feeling the greastest and wanted to relax.  Little did I know what was about to come.

Jason started working on the window trim for all the rooms and managed to finish them all except our living room.  I, of course, followed Jason around like a lost puppy making sure it was all done correctly-- or attempted to be done correctly.   So now that the trim is up, that means I will need to paint it all sometime soon! Ah- one more thing to add to the list. 

I finally broke down today and washed all the ceiling fans!!  It was quite disgusting.  I've lived here 4 years and I don't think it's ever been done-- sooo you can about imagine!!  Now if I can just KEEP them clean.  I need to go stock up on the swiffer dusters.  Those things are amazing- especially with the handle that extends/bends.  Makes my job easier! 

I'm excited to get our floor put in on Friday!  Then I can start putting things back together.  I will be searching for a housekeeper soon to come clean our house in about 2 weeks.  If anyone has any suggestions, please let me know!  I'm desperate! I need some deep scrubbing done on our baseboards and a deep scrub in the bathroom.  We will probably need to get our computer room carpet shampooed as well.  All the other carpet is new enough that it doesn't need to be deep cleaned.

My dad came up today- it was nice to see him.  Jason and him went to the chili cookoff, but didn't get to try any chili.  Tasting didn't start til 2:30 and they headed out there around 1:00-- so that didn't go too well.  They came back home and talked for a bit and then my dad headed back home to mow the yard.  He brought me a box of baby clothes from my mom that I went through and just finished washing all of them. He also brought me the vinyl I had ordered from Jodi for my bathroom!

It turned out pretty good- even though it was kind of a pain in the butt to get on the wall!! Jason hates putting vinyl up, but I'll keep ordering it!!  It's so neat and beats putting holes in the wall to hang things up.

It was also kind of a tragic day.  As we were waiting for my dad to arrive, we decided to clean out our fish tank.  Let's just say- it's been a LONG time since it's been done.  As of yesterday, we had two lively fish.  Today, not so much.  As we transferred the fish from the dirty tank to a small bowl while we cleaned the tank, we noticed that the one fish was on his 'last fin' (if you know what I mean)- So after awhile of debating, we decided it was time for him to go.  He has now found a new home (somewhere in our sewer system)!  I'm still amazed that he lived for 3 years..... Everyone always said how fish are so hard to take care of- well, these fish were not hard to take care of.  They maybe were fed 2-3 times a week and lived in nasty water for a majority of their life-- but maybe that's what it takes to raise a fish!  Who knows!?!?  We are now down to one lonely fish-- poor lil fella!!

So even though we didn't get A LOT accomplished today- I still feel it was quite a productive day.  Finally getting the trim up feels great!  Only one more room to go!  Little Mason will be here in about 4 weeks or less and I'm hoping everything can get finished in time!! 

and.... HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!! Hope you had a great day (even though you had to work)!  I hope you like your gift and maybe someday soon you will get that banana cream pie you REALLY want!!

Friday, October 8, 2010

34 Weeks

This week I have hit the 34 week mark in our pregnancy.  We have been having weekly non-stress tests at the doctor's office just to make sure our little man is doing well.  He has passed all the tests so far.  This week when I went in for the test, he had the hiccups.  It was cute to hear them on the machine.  They were so loud I had to reach over and turn down the volume on the machine. 

Jason and I have been trying to get our house ready for the new baby.  This past week we repainted the kitchen and Jason installed a new glass sliding door for our patio.  Next Friday we will get our new floor put down and then we can start putting our kitchen back together.  We will need to order countertops still, but I can live with the ones we have for now.  We will eventually need to get a new kitchen table as well.  Once the floor is installed we'll need to put up chair rail around the room and new baseboards around the new flooring.

Most of the other rooms are already completed.  We still need to get trim put up around all the new windows.  It's just been a nightmare with that.  It seems like such an easy thing to do, but it still isn't done after a year!! 

I need to start making my list of things that still need done before the baby comes.  I keep all these mental posts in my head, but I know I will forget if I don't write them down.  So a list needs to get started.  I'm thinking of hiring a cleaning person to come in a few weeks to deep scrub all the woodwork and walls in the house- just because my belly is too big to be crawling on the floor all day.  I also need someone to come scrub our shower/tub-- I could probably do it, but who knows when!  I'm planning to make a shopping list of things we will need while I'm off work, just because I really dread the thought of going out in the cold!!  We will stock up on everything before our little guy arrives! 

Not much else is new.  Today I attempted to clean up the house a bit so I can relax a little this weekend.  I have to work tonight and tomorrow night, but have Sunday off.  Jason and I will go to church Sunday and then head to the chili cook off out at the Fort Museum.  Hopefully the weather cooperates.  My dad is also coming up this weekend- so it will be good to see him.  AND it's my mom's birthday on Sunday!!  Unfortunately, she won't be able to come up here to see us! 

Next weekend Jason and I will be announced at the church as new members.  It should be interesting.  We have to write a paragraph about ourselves for the church newsletter... Guess who will get to do that?!?! 

Well, it's time to finish getting ready for work!! 

P.S.- for those of you wondering what we plan on naming our little guy, we have decided on Mason Benjamin Hanna.  We came up with the name Mason by combining our names- Jason and Megan.  We also felt like Benjamin should be part of his life and that's how we got his middle name.  I was a little leary at first because Mason sounded so much like Jason, but the meaning behind his name outweighed that thought.  So little Mason Benjamin will have a part of all of us with him- forever!

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Happy Birthday Ben!

Some of you are probably waiting for the rest of Ben's story and wondering how the one year mark went, so here goes.................

On Friday, September 25, 2009 Jason and I got up early and tried to prepare for the day.  We were scheduled to be induced at 7:30a.m.  I was running around the house frantically trying to get things packed in the hospital bag.  Making sure I didn't forget anything.  As we were getting ready to head out the door, I think my nerves got the best of me.  I ran to the bathroom and got sick.  After that little episode, we managed to find an empty ice cream bucket to take with us in the truck, just in case. 

We made it to the hospital alright. Luckily, it is only about a 5 minute drive.  We stopped at registration to get registered.  The registration lady (one of who I work with now) was probably thinking we were the most nervous parents by the look on our faces.  Unfortunately, I don't think she knew what was ahead for us!  So she kindly registered us and sent us on our way to the elevator to the Birthing Center.  On the elevator ride up to the 4th floor, a young gentlemen who worked at the hospital asked us if we were having our baby today.  What were we supposed to say to that?!?! I responded quietly by stating that our little Ben had passed a few days prior.  It's amazing how such a short elevator ride can leave a lasting memory.

We arrived on the 4th floor and buzzed ourselves in.  The nurse kindly walked us to our delivery room and gave me instructions as to what I needed to do.  After getting into the lovely hospital gown, I was then put onto the hospital bed and hooked up to all of the machines.  The doctor came in shortly and began giving me the doses of medicine to start induction.  This was mainly how the day went.  I was visited by the doctor around the clock for more medicine and exams.  The grief counselor also stopped in to give us some information on how to deal with our loss. 

Some of our family also came for support that day.  My mom and dad arrived early in the morning to see us, but left after a little bit to give Jason and I our time that we needed.  Jason's mom also came for support that morning.  For the most part of the day we were alone and were given the time we needed.  Our families both knew we would keep them posted on any changes.  Jason had brought me a few DVDs to watch while I was laying in bed.. the first of which was Ice Age.  It was kind of chilly in the delivery room so Jason also ran out to get me some warm socks and a robe.  Every once in a while I got up and walked around the hallways, only to return to our room (which was marked with a purple postcard meaning we were loss parents).

Family returned later that night.  I still hadn't made much progress as far as labor went.  Jason and I made company with our family and then most of them left for the evening.  I believe we had a nice conversation that day about how Jason seemed to be drinking the entire hospitals' stock of coffee.  How he slept that night, I don't know!  It was later that evening that I started having some contractions.  I had all back labor so I just felt like I had a constant backache all night long.  I tried to get Jason's attention to come rub my back, but he was so peacefully sleeping on the couch I didn't want to disturb him.  So I dealt with the pain and getting woke up every so often by the doctor to be examined.

Around 7:00a.m. on Saturday, the pain started getting worse so I opted to get the epidural.  The anesthesiologist came in and hooked me up.  Jason watched in fascination.  It wasn't near as bad as I thought it would be.  After the epidural, I moved back up onto the bed and we waited some more.  It was a little after 8:00a.m. when I started to feel a little sick.  I asked Jason to grab me the bucket from the cupboard because I wasn't feeling well.  Sure enough, as soon as he got it to me it became very useful.  I used the nurse call button to let them know I wasn't feeling well.  The nurse and the doctor came in to check me and before I knew it, they were telling me it was time.  Jason text family members to let them know as the doctor broke down the bed and prepared me for delivery.  Everything happened so fast...... and then, there was Benjamin, in our arms.

Had we not known he had already passed, you wouldn't have even known.  He looked so peaceful all wrapped up in his blanket with his little cap and gown.  Jason and I took some time together with Ben before we let family come back to meet him.  It was a very bittersweet moment.  We checked his toes and fingers to see who they resembled the most.  He definitely had Jason's feet and my fat fingers. He had Jason's dark hair and my little ears.   Family came in shortly and all took turns holding Ben.   After a while, family left so that I could rest of for the rest of the day.  We chose to have Ben blessed, which took place at 3:00p.m. that Saturday.  Family and friends came to be with us at this time. 

After such an eventful day, the doctor came back in to check up on us.  He gave me the option of going home that day or staying one more night.  I opted to go home.  I just wanted to be home in my own surroundings.  Jason packed up all of our things and later that evening we went home.  From then on out, it was now time to get our lives back to normal (as much as you possibly can). 

Jason had to keep himself busy- so as soon as we got home, he was already doing a million things.  One of which, was running to Taco Bell to get me some supper.  Jason stayed busy for the days to follow.  As for myself, I had no ambition to do anything.  I stayed home, watched TV, and didn't answer my phone.  Everyone grieves differently, and this is what we had to do.

The days after, soon led to the months after.  Today, I look back and realized those months are what has made this last year.  From here on out, it's all new beginnings!  AND our first new beginning began with:


Jason and I decided to take a little time to ourselves for Ben's first birthday.  We headed out of town for the weekend.  We didn't really have any plans in mind, other than to get away.  Once we arrived in Des Moines, we stopped at the mall to do some shopping, but ended up not getting anything.  We then stopped at Arby's to get a little something to eat.  After Arby's, we went and checked into our hotel room:
YES, there is an outlet on the side of the jacuzzi.... I was a little concerned, but it didn't stop me from getting in!

After we checked into our room, Jason and I decided to go to the casino.  It wasn't looking very good at first.  Jason was losing all his money, but that was typical :)  My machine kept teasing me- first, letting me win money, then taking it all back.  Jason had decided to switch machines, but I sat patiently at mine just waiting for some good luck.  AND THEN... bam, I must have done something right.  I cashed out my machine at $280.15- which I was super excited about considering I only put $20 in to begin with... so sure enough, I was done gambling for the day.  I took my ticket and found Jason so I could go cash out.  Jason suggested we 'walk around' for a little bit to kill some time.  UMMM, little did he know that it's not easy to 'walk around' a casino.  I ended up sticking more money into those darn machines and sure enough-- it sucked it up!  It was a good time and we still ended up walking out of there with more than we went in with. 

Next, we decided to stop at the Bass Pro Shop.  Jason found this:

the shirt he wanted to get the last time we were there.  So he bought it.  I, on the other hand, bought a bag of popcorn.  Yes, I bought a bag of popcorn at the Bass Pro Shop (and it was good).

We didn't do a whole lot else that day.  We did a little shopping and then decided to go out for supper.  We decided we were going to eat at Hu Hot Mongolian Grill.  Jason typed in the address on our GPS and we went on our way- or so we thought.  The GPS did NOT take us to HuHot, but to a random strip mall in the middle of nowhere.  SO- we tried again.  Only this time the GPS took us in circles about 4 times (I'm not exaggerating- ask Jason).  For the last try, we entered a location on our GPS that was near HuHot to see if that would get us there. After 45 minutes we arrived at HuHot, only to be greeted by a full restaraunt.  We gave them our name and waited to be seated.  I made my way to the restroom- my bladder had went from the size of a watermelon to the size of a pea in the 45 minute drive to HuHot.  We enjoyed our supper and then headed back to the hotel for a little swimming.  We called it a night and went to bed.

Today, Jason and I got up and enjoyed our nice continental breakfast and then headed out for the day.  Since most of the stores didn't open until 10a.m., we decided to head to the casino for one last chance at our luck... Unfortunately, our luck had run out.  We left the casino and headed for a day of shopping.  First, we went to Babies R Us to pick up a few things we still needed for our little man:

His coming home outfit...

AND THESE........ we didn't NEED these, but Jason wanted them. 
So we picked out a few more things: diapers, wipes, safety kit, etc.. and then checked out.

We then made our way over to Old Navy so I could do some more shopping.  Jason went next door to PetCo so he didn't have to wait for me to try a bajillion things on.  He walked into Old Navy as I was getting ready to head to the checkout.  He looked a little discouraged that I was buying A LOT of items, but after the cashier rang them up- it cost half as much as we thought it was going to... That made me feel a little better.

We drove across the road to the mall--- only to find one of these:
A parking spot just for expecting moms-- these have disappeared in Fort Dodge!!

AND it was so CONVENIENTLY located next to:

As tempting as it was, I did NOT get any cheesecake!

As soon as we got into the mall we headed for Build-A-Bear Workshop. Jason and I had decided that we wanted to make Ben a special bear for his birthday.  So we chose this little one:

Isn't he cute?!?!
And of course, we had to get him a friend--

So we got our little man a MONKEY! (and YES, we paid extra money to have monkey sounds put in him).  Jason and I kissed our little animals' hearts and made a wish before they were sewn up!

We continued to walk around the mall to see if we could find anything else, but had no luck.  We decided to grab some lunch and then head home.  We took the back way home, which we have found takes less time.  I sat in the passenger seat white-knuckled as usual from Jason's driving.  I think he's learned to tune me out, because as I'm yelling "BRAKES" , his foot remains on the gas pedal...... I think our little man was just as scared as I was.  I could feel him constantly trying to grab onto anything possible inside of my belly.  Unfortunately, our uterus' is not equipped with "OH, Shit" handles... but we made it home alive.

So again, it's back to reality.  Back to work tomorrow for both of us, but we had a good time away for the weekend. It was a weekend I'm sure we won't forget and the start of something special for Ben's 1st birthday and the ones to follow.

P.S.-- I'm pretty sure it's not considered a complete birthday without some cake--- so I think I'll be sending Jason out for one of these :

A Dairy Queen Ice Cream Cake!!

Thursday, September 23, 2010

One Year?

Many people that know us, and know what we've been through, know that September 26, 2009 was a special day to us.  It was the day we saw an angels' face and the first glimpse of Heaven we'd see.  September 26, 2009 was the day our little Benjamin Michael was born, but today, today was a different one year mark.

Today, September 23, 2010, is a one year mark for a day I'll never forget.  A year ago today, I was laying on our couch relaxing after having to work the previous night at our local Sears store.  Tuesdays were always my closing nights as a manager at Sears.  I remember that night clearly.  The boys that were working in the hardware department were helping set up all the new Christmas decorations we had just received.  We were all sitting on the floor getting frustrated while trying to figure out how to put together the little fabric covered penguins that look so cute in your front yard (the ones that look good until the wind blows them to pieces)!  We were also trying to figure out how to set up the Christmas trees to make the store look like the perfect winter wonderland.  I remember sitting on the floor and having a hard time getting back up with my 7 month pregnant belly in the way. After a few hours of "Christmas decorating" it was time to start closing up the store.  So as a manager, I made my rounds, made our closing calls, and started locking doors.  We had our nightly closing meeting and sent everyone home for the night.  The rest of the managers and myself finished closing up the store and headed home ourselves.

After getting home, I didn't go to bed right away.  I was always wide awake after I got off work that late at night.  Jason and I had been working on the nursery the previous weeks and I had received some crib bedding in the mail earlier.  That night, I sat at my computer with a notebook in front of me.  I had asked my grandma if she could sew us some curtains for the nursery, which she had agreed to.  In my notebook, I started drawing up plans of how I wanted the curtains done.... and after about 9 pages of notebook paper I realized nothing was going to be perfect enough for that little nursery.  It was about midnight before I headed up to bed-- even though little Benjamin was still wide awake and wiggling all over.

The next morning, September 23rd,  I slept in.  After tossing and turning in our bed for awhile, I decided to get up and come downstairs.  I turned on the TV, had a bowl of cereal for breakfast and then decided to lay down and rest again.  I laid there for a few more hours just watching the Today show and whatever else happened to be on TV.  I finally decided it was time to get up and get ready for our 1:30p.m. scheduled doctor's appointment. I took my shower and got dressed for my appointment.

Jason called me to let me know he wasn't going to be able to make our doctors' appointment because he had to go out of town for a new job at work.  I was fine with this, because most of our appointments consisted of the usual- getting weighed, urine samples, blood pressure check, and asking the doctor any questions we had-- all of which normally took about 10 minutes.  So I headed in to the doctors office by myself that day. 

I was called back for my appointment shortly after I had arrived at the office.  I was weighed, left my sample, and got my blood pressure checked.  It was about THEN that I realized that little Ben hadn't moved much all morning.  I sent Jason a text letting him know I hadn't felt him move much all morning.  Jason responded with a text that Ben was probably just sleepy.  The doctor came in to the room shortly after and asked how things were going.  I mentioned to him that Ben hadn't moved much all morning.  He immediately had me get up on the exam table so he could check for a heartbeat.  AND THEN...... after minutes of checking every possible spot on my 7 month pregnant belly- he was unable to find the heartbeat.  I asked him if I could call Jason and let him know what was going on, but he suggested I wait until after I had an ultrasound done.   So the doctor went to grab his portable ultrasound machine to see if he could see anything.  After searching all over, the doctor could not find Ben's flickering heartbeat anywhere.  He then warned me that he'd like me to have a better ultrasound done by the ultrasound technician.

SOOOO- we headed next door to the ultrasound room.  I sat in the waiting room while the doctor explained to the tech what was going on.  I sent a message to my sister stating that the baby may have died, but that we were unsure.  I was then called back for my ultrasound..... SURPRISE SURPRISE, she was unable to find a heartbeat as well.  She also stated she didn't see any signs of stress or any obvious reasons as to what might have happened.  After she had confirmed that there was no heartbeat, the doctor walked me back to the exam room we had been in previously.  As we sat down, he reached for some Kleenex's (for himself).  He cried more than me, but I was in so much shock and disbelief it hadn't hit me yet.  Wiping his tears, he further explained that I would have to be induced to deliver my stillborn child.  He gave me the date and time of our induction and explained to me how things would go.  He politely asked if I was going to be okay driving home and ended our appointment for the day-- for the rest of the pregnancy!

I left the office, still in disbelief, and gave Jason a call in the elevator on the way down to my car.  I let him know what was going on and that I was headed home.  He let me know he'd meet me at home.  Once I got to my car, I called Sears to let them know that I wouldn't be to work for a few weeks.  I went home, only to sit on the couch and wait for Jason to get home.  After he got home, it all hit me like a ton of bricks.  NO ONE ever tells you about this while you're pregnant-- Sadly, I'd never even heard of stillbirth before this happened to me. While pregnancy can be a joyous thing, it would've been nice to be informed of a little reality before this happened.

I called my mom and dad when I got home and told Jason he'd better call his family before the word got out.  We spent the rest of the day on the phone informing everyone of what was going on and what the next step would be.  We then started to prepare for what was to come.  We had to go out and find an outfit for little Ben to wear in the hospital and we needed yet to find a keepsake item for his little feet/handprints. So after driving around everywhere looking for the perfect things, we went home.  The days to come were going to be bittersweet and there was no way to prepare.

Today, September 23rd, 2010, was probably 'just' another day for most people-- but it was a lot more than 'just' another day for me.  A year ago today was the day that would change our lives forever.  This last year has been a struggle.  You start to notice all the little things people take for granted.  I had to change jobs, because everything at work reminded me of Ben (and some people didn't understand that). Currently being pregnant has also brought on it's challenges.  The constant day to day worrying if the baby is moving enough or if he's moving too much and getting tangled up in his cord.  The constant reminder from the general public at work that this is your second child (even though some days, it's easier to say it's our first just for the simple fact it's easier to explain to some people and not others that you have a dead child).  This year has also posed many challenges between friends and family-- being able to see who's REALLY there for you when you need it. 

So as most of you will be remembering our angel on September 26th;  TODAY was a big one year mark for myself.  And even though it's been a week from hell, you learn that everyone else's lives will move on even when yours seems to stand still.

P.S. -- I will post the rest of 'Ben's Story' on his birthday.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Phew.. Glad that's over with!

Well, we've been getting a lot done here at the Hanna house.  Friday, we got the carpet installed in our bedroom and managed to get things put back in order!  It's so nice to get out of bed in the morning and feel the nice new carpet under your feet. 

We've been doing some major cleaning lately! I've thrown away so much stuff that Jason is afraid the garbage man won't pick it all up.  I finally came to the realization that if it's been in a closet and I didn't know it existed for the past 2-3 years, it probably wasn't worth keeping.  After getting our bedroom back in order, I started to move the baby stuff back into the nursery to prepare for the next few weeks.  Baby Hanna can technically come anytime now!  Today marks the 30 week 5 day spot in this pregnancy!

I'm to the point where there's a lot of little things left to do.  (Well, other than redoing our kitchen).  I need to go pick up some final things for the hospital bag yet.  I still need to find a coming home outfit for our little man!  Poor little guy will be coming home naked in the middle of winter if I don't find something!!

I wasn't as ambitious today as I have been the last few days.  Jason and I went to church this morning.  We originally planned on going to the 8:00 service, BUT that was a fail!  Sleep sounded so much better at 6:30 this morning.  So we slept in a little bit later and went to the 10:30 service instead.  The service began with all the little Sunday schoolers singing some fun songs.  It's so fun to watch them and I look forward to going to our little man's school/church programs! They also recognized the Sunday school teachers and did a few other recognition activites so church ended up being an hour and a half today.  After church we came home and had some lunch and.... well, I fell back asleep for 2 hours while Jason went to help a friend. 

I woke up from my nap and knew I needed to get going on something or I'd regret that I didn't get anything done all day!  So one of my last projects was to clean out this:

(I'm a little embarrassed to even post this)

It's been needing done for quite some time now.   So I got to work and started pulling everything out to see what was hidden deep down in there.  It was amazing what I found.  One of the first things I found were 3 MICE... YES, I SAID 3 MICE:

HA HA, bet you were a little scared what you might see, huh?

Why we need 3 computer mice, who knows, but we have them! I found these along with enough computer cords to reach across the United States coast to coast.  Needless to say, I made Jason find a new home for them (however, I did keep the mice- you never know when you might need one)!

Most of the other stuff I found wasn't as fun. Random text books, light bulbs, batteries, cleaning supplies, and office supplies.  BUT as I was nearing the end of my closet cleaning I found a treasure:

YES, actual treasure!!  (too bad it was Jason's)

So I guess cleaning out the closet really did pay off!

I noticed that there was ACTUALLY a floor in there (along with many shelves)- who would have guessed?!?!  So although the final product isn't perfect, it's much better than what it was:

Although, the closet project was a small one, it's nice knowing that it's done!  NEXT- on to the kitchen!! The last BIG project.  From then on out, it'll just be maintaining all the cleaning (and convincing Jason to throw away his college textbooks from the 1990s)!! 

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Making Progress.... I think!

So we're finally making progress this week. We're definitely making some progress in the pregnancy world.  We are finally 30 weeks pregnant and only 10 more weeks to go (or less)!  All this progress in the pregnancy world is making me realize we need to get alot of things done before the little one arrives.

I'm a little bummed that our carpet has not arrived yet, but I'm thinking it should be here by the end of the week.  As long as it gets here, it will either be installed Friday or Monday (Friday, preferrably).  This weekend we did manage to get the baseboard trim done in the spare bedroom.  We also evened out all the window edges and just need to go pick out some window trim to install.  I went and bought a new comforter for our spare bedroom from Target because the other one must have gotten ripped when Jason decided to use it to keep the kegs for the wedding cold (men and their beer!).  Secretly, I'm kind of glad it ripped- any excuse to buy new stuff! We finally got the mini blinds hung up in the room as well.  I'm sure our neighbors were tired of looking at our lovely pink and blue blankets that were hanging in the window for the meantime.

Tonight, Jason and I made a trip to Menards because I had a brilliant idea to repaint the bathroom.  Our original plan was to redo the entire bathroom (install a new tub, lay tile, etc.) but I came to a realization that we don't have much time left before the baby comes.  So for now, we'll just put a fresh coat of paint and install some new hardware and save the extensive labor for after the arrival of the baby.  It's amazing what some paint can do! We also had to get a new toilet seat while we were there. Besides the couch, that's Jason's second best place to sit- and well, the cushioning was pretty much gone! So it was time for a new one!

So slowly, but surely we're getting things done around the Hanna house. Although, if you were to walk in our house tonight, you'd think we just got hit with a tornado.  It's pretty ugly looking.  The kitchen counter was cleared off after work, but has managed to get piled up with 'crap' again!!! I'm hoping by the end of next week we'll have some major progress accomplished.  THEN- it's on the kitchen!! The final room!  Then there will just be some minor decorating that will need done!  Hopefully all in time for the little ones arrival.  It'll be nice coming home from the hospital to a nicely redecorated home!! 

Well, it's about bedtime here.  Getting up at 3:30AM for work is not fun, but someone's got to do it......

Friday, September 3, 2010


Getting Baby Hanna #2's nursery ready has brought some unexpected emotions.  As I'm slowly redecorating the nursery, I seem to keep finding more and more of Ben's things.  I've been debating on what I want to do with these memories. As you know, I bought some new crib bedding (which Jason is on his way to go pick up).   Many people may wonder why I insisted on getting new bedding when the bedding we had was never used.  It may be hard for others to understand, but I felt like I was cheating this baby by not buying him new things.  I felt as though this baby was getting all of Ben's "leftovers".  Don't get me wrong, hand-me-downs are a great thing, but when they are linked to your dead child the feeling of sharing is not the same.  To me, a 'new' baby meant 'new' memories.  So here I am creating new memories to link to our new addition.

So, back to Ben's memories- we are redecorating our bedroom and I feel as this is the best place to put Ben's memories. I've been thinking that I want to purchase this:

I'm thinking this storage ottoman should be sufficient to keep Ben's memories in.  The thought of putting Ben's 'things' in a box is not a great thought, but our house is just not big enough to display all of his things.  I've been unable to get rid of anything that was linked to Ben.  I think Jason probably thinks I'm crazy for wanting to keep Ben's bedding even when Ben never layed in the crib. But to me, it WAS Ben's.  Once our bedroom is complete, I will proudly display some of Ben's memories wherever I can. 

I do realize that some of these things DO seem silly to keep, but I'm just not ready to let them go.  Such as all the gift bags I saved from my baby shower.  What I'll do with them, who knows!! Or the vases in which I received flowers.... or the ten newspapers we have that contain Ben's obituary. Throwing them away just doesn't seem right. 

Ben's angelversary is in a few weeks and we still don't have anything planned.  I'm a little stuck on whether we should be celebrating his birthday or grieving his loss?!?! Should it be a happy or a sad day?!? I am pretty sure that I would like to find some sort of special gift to give to the OB office and the Labor and Delivery department where Ben was born.  I also am pretty sure that I would like this day to be something special JUST between Jason and I.  I'm not sure I'll be up to being around a bunch of people. I'm still a bit worried whether we'll receive birthday cards in the mail or sad, sappy 'Thinking of You' cards. 

OK... well, now that I went a little off track with this post- I have the weekend off and really need to find the motivation to clean and organize this house. Our carpet should be arriving on Monday or Tuesday next week so Jason might lay the carpet padding sometime this weekend.  I'm also hoping to get the trim painted and put up in our spare bedroom (considering it has been without trim for over a year now!).  AND possibly start working on getting the upstairs windows trimmed as well.  Just can't wait to get the nursery done.  It's been so nice to be able to sit up there in our glider and just relax and think about how things are about to change here in the Hanna house!

Time to go-- Jason just pulled up and I'm hoping he was able to pick up our packages!

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Wedding Photos

Today I received our wedding photos in the mail.  I immediately ripped the package opened and started looking through them.  Jodi did a fantastic job for being her first wedding photo shoot! I just had to share some of these pictures..

Ok.. there's a FEW of them (and I mean a FEW).  Jodi took so many pictures I don't know how we'll ever choose which ones to print off for our photo albums.  It will be fun to look back at these pictures and remember our special day!

Although I was VERY HAPPY to receive these photos in the mail today, I also received another nice package today...............THE BABY BEDDING HAS ARRIVED.  Since there was no one here at the time of delivery, Jason or I will have to run to the post office tomorrow to pick it up!

So all in all, the long miserable day at work turned into a good day once I got home.  I'm looking forward to having the weekend off to rest.  It's been a long week and I'm ready to relax.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

The Beginning of a Blog

So, I've had a few people tell me that I should start blogging all these wonderful things in my life. So first off, a little bit about our family:

I'm Megan (22 years old).  I currently work at our local hospital as a registration clerk. 
Jason (30 years old) is my husband.  He works at Visions Auto Glass and repair.

We met in 2006 when I first started working for Jason at a local gas station here in town.  Wouldn't you know, the entire time I worked there we never said a word to each other.  Shortly after I had left to move back home after college, Jason always let me know how he wished he could find another reliable employee as myself.  We eventually started talking more on a daily basis that year.  I moved back to Fort Dodge in August of 2006 and moved in with Jason.  Hmm, it was interesting living with a guy for the first time- but we survived.  Jason took good care of me!

As the next couple years went on things seemed to be good.  We had our ups and down, but for the most part things were good.  On July 1st, 2008 Jason proposed to me while we were on a fishing adventure at Kennedy Park.  Well, let's just say that day of fishing was more like 5 minutes of fishing.  Honestly, what girl wants to fish after finding an engagement ring on the end of your fishing line.  NOT ME!  Since the new engagement had been more exciting than our fishing trip- we turned our boat back around and headed home.  Everyone was thrilled to hear our news. Although, my entire family had known about it for 3-4 months already and no one said a peep!!!

Things were going well for us.  Jason had a good job at Visions and I was currently working at our local Sears store full time.  Things were really looking good for us.  Everyone kept asking when we were planning to get married, but we kept putting it off.  Not because we didn't WANT to get married, more because I didn't WANT to plan a wedding!  It seemed like so much work.  We both knew that we would be together forever so.... instead of planning a wedding- we planned to have our first child.  In December 2008 and January 2009 we were pretty sure this is what we wanted. 

Lucky for us, conceiving wasn't hard to accomplish.  By March we were pregnant.  Jason and I were extremely excited!! All of our doctor appointments were going great.  We couldn't wait to get to that 20 week mark to find out what we were expecting.  It was an exciting day.  The ultrasound tech waited til the very end to tell us- IT'S A BOY!  Sure enough, we went home and started searching for names right away.  We couldn't find any that we really liked UNTIL we found the name Benjamin.  We stuck with the name and were excited to call our new baby Little Ben.  We slowly worked on the nursery (painting it 3 times before finding the right color).  Things were starting to pull together and we were getting very excited to meet our little man. Until..................

September 23rd..... was my scheduled day off of work and was also a scheduled day for a doctor's appointment at 1:30p.m.  I had worked late the Tuesday night before, so when I got out of bed I just layed on the couch until it was time to get ready for my appointment.  Jason had called to tell me he was sent out of town for work and wouldn't be able to make the appointment- no big deal, since he had been to all the other appointments with me.  AFTER getting to the doctor's office, I had noticed that our little man hadn't moved much that day.  I let Dr. O'Connor know this and he quickly started to search for a heartbeat.  After what seemed like hours, there was still no sign of a heartbeat.  So, it was off to the ultrasound tech to see what we could find.  Mind you, I am there alone..... when the Ultrasound tech confirms that our little man was no longer with us.   I was in so much shock, I couldn't even cry.  The doctor started to cry as we walked back to the exam room.  He explained I would have to be induced in two days and deliver our stillborn child.  He explained the procedure to me and off I was.  I called Jason while in the elevator heading down to my car.  He headed home right away.  So on September 25th, I was induced a 7:30 a.m. and from then on it was a waiting game.  I hadn't had much improvement all day.  Contractions didn't start until after 10p.m.  The contractions weren't horrible and were mainly in my back.  Jason attempted to get some sleep on the 'not so comfy' couch in the delivery room.  By 7:30 a.m. the next morning I decided I'd go ahead and receive the epidural to help ease the pain.  By 8:43 a.m. on September 26, 2009 our little angel had been born.  Benjamin Michael Hanna was born at 8:43 a.m. on September 26, 2009.  Not a day goes by that we don't think of him.

After all of this had happened, Jason and I decided what our plans would be for the next year.  Our first plan was to get married in fall of 2010.  So we searched the calendar for possible dates and decided on August 21, 2010.  After losing our first child, many people told us to wait to try to conceive again and that we should focus on our wedding for the next year.   We mostly agreed with everyone when they told us this, but deep down we had other plans.  Jason and I KNEW that we wanted another child.  We both felt ready to try again soon after losing Ben. Once we got the okay from our doctor, we began trying again.  We didn't tell anyone we were trying because we were afraid of what responses we may get.  So after a few months of trying and many tears later.... we had finally found out in March 2010 we were expecting again!!  We were so excited!!  We decided we'd still keep with our wedding date and not hold off any longer.  So on August, 21, 2010- we got married at St. Paul Lutheran church in Fort Dodge, IA.  The day went great!! Lots of family and friends were there to share our special day with us.

As for the pregnancy, everything has gone pretty good.  Doctors' appointments have been great.  We found out on June 30th that we were expecting another little BOY! At our 28 week appointment the doctor told us we would start being seen every week starting at 31 weeks to monitor our baby's heartbeat.  This is just a precautionary step due to our loss at 33 weeks last year with Ben.  For this pregnancy we bought a handheld fetal heart doppler so we could monitor our little one's heartbeat anytime things seemed suspicious.  I was a great investment and has saved me many trips to the local Emergency Room to get checked out.

Sunday August 29th, Jason and I started redecorating the nursery.  All it really "needed" was a new shade of paint and some rearranging of the furniture.  We ordered new bedding for the crib and it should be coming any day now.  The dresser is STUFFED with clothes!!  Almost everything else is ready for baby, just some minor things left.  We also started to redecorate our bedroom.  We ordered new carpet and also painted this room.  Our carpet should be in next week and then we can start moving things back into the room. As for now, we're sleeping on our mattress on our living room floor.  We attempted to sleep in our spare bedroom, BUT that didn't work out so well.  It's very hard for a 6' 5" husband and his pregnant wife to fit on a full size bed!! I will post pictures when the rooms are completed.

Well, this story turned out quite a bit longer than I had planned, but I thought you might like a little background on the Hanna Family before we begin this blogging journey.