Findings

Getting Baby Hanna #2's nursery ready has brought some unexpected emotions.  As I'm slowly redecorating the nursery, I seem to keep finding more and more of Ben's things.  I've been debating on what I want to do with these memories. As you know, I bought some new crib bedding (which Jason is on his way to go pick up).   Many people may wonder why I insisted on getting new bedding when the bedding we had was never used.  It may be hard for others to understand, but I felt like I was cheating this baby by not buying him new things.  I felt as though this baby was getting all of Ben's "leftovers".  Don't get me wrong, hand-me-downs are a great thing, but when they are linked to your dead child the feeling of sharing is not the same.  To me, a 'new' baby meant 'new' memories.  So here I am creating new memories to link to our new addition.

So, back to Ben's memories- we are redecorating our bedroom and I feel as this is the best place to put Ben's memories. I've been thinking that I want to purchase this:

I'm thinking this storage ottoman should be sufficient to keep Ben's memories in.  The thought of putting Ben's 'things' in a box is not a great thought, but our house is just not big enough to display all of his things.  I've been unable to get rid of anything that was linked to Ben.  I think Jason probably thinks I'm crazy for wanting to keep Ben's bedding even when Ben never layed in the crib. But to me, it WAS Ben's.  Once our bedroom is complete, I will proudly display some of Ben's memories wherever I can. 

I do realize that some of these things DO seem silly to keep, but I'm just not ready to let them go.  Such as all the gift bags I saved from my baby shower.  What I'll do with them, who knows!! Or the vases in which I received flowers.... or the ten newspapers we have that contain Ben's obituary. Throwing them away just doesn't seem right. 

Ben's angelversary is in a few weeks and we still don't have anything planned.  I'm a little stuck on whether we should be celebrating his birthday or grieving his loss?!?! Should it be a happy or a sad day?!? I am pretty sure that I would like to find some sort of special gift to give to the OB office and the Labor and Delivery department where Ben was born.  I also am pretty sure that I would like this day to be something special JUST between Jason and I.  I'm not sure I'll be up to being around a bunch of people. I'm still a bit worried whether we'll receive birthday cards in the mail or sad, sappy 'Thinking of You' cards. 

OK... well, now that I went a little off track with this post- I have the weekend off and really need to find the motivation to clean and organize this house. Our carpet should be arriving on Monday or Tuesday next week so Jason might lay the carpet padding sometime this weekend.  I'm also hoping to get the trim painted and put up in our spare bedroom (considering it has been without trim for over a year now!).  AND possibly start working on getting the upstairs windows trimmed as well.  Just can't wait to get the nursery done.  It's been so nice to be able to sit up there in our glider and just relax and think about how things are about to change here in the Hanna house!

Time to go-- Jason just pulled up and I'm hoping he was able to pick up our packages!